I Understand
by TDWidow
Summary: None of the Gang have heard from Angel since the destruction of Sunnydale. But now he has no choice but to tell them the awful news. [SPOILERS for You're Welcome ep of Angel] COMPLETE
1. I'll Never Stop Crying

**AUTHOR'S NOTE** I didn't watch the last season of Buffy, so I don't know what happened to all of the characters after Sunnydale was destroyed. But, for the purposes of this story, let's assume that Buffy, Willow, Xander, and Dawn are all in one place (even though last week on Angel, Andrew said that they weren't). And this story contains **spoilers** for "You're Welcome," tonight's episode of Angel.

**DISCLAIMER** I don't own any of them. Joss Whedon does.

I just heard the news.

God, it doesn't seem real. I didn't believe it when I picked up the phone and Angel was on the other end. What do you say to someone who you haven't spoken to since your world came to an end? Hey Angel, man, haven't talked to you since Sunnydale got blown to Hell, how've you been?

I didn't want to believe him when he said it. "Cordelia's…she died."

He sounded like he'd been crying. That part threw me. Angel doesn't cry. I was with him when he saw Buffy dead that first time. All that was on his mind was bringing her back. Saving her. Of course, he couldn't do it. Vampires don't breathe. They can't give CPR.

My hands are shaking as I pick up the phone again. I can barely dial the numbers. It rings on the other end – once, twice.

"Hello?" I didn't say anything for a minute, just sat there. "Hello?" she asks again.

"Will…"

"Xander?" She sounds confused. "Xander, what's wrong?"

"Will…" I can't do it. I feel myself start to break down.

"Xander, talk to me!" She hears me crying. She's gotta be worried. I don't really remember the last time I cried.

That's not true. I cried for Anya. She was the love of my life and when she died, part of me died with her. But it was for the greater good and there was dignity and courage in her death. And I remember I cried when Buffy died for real. But it was the same thing. She sacrificed herself to save the rest of us. She and Anya were true heroes. But this…

"Cordelia's dead."

There. I said it. The words sound so final when you say them out loud. It was as if I thought I could bring her back by just refusing to admit that it happened.

There was silence on Willow's end of the line. Then, quietly, I heard her cry. We hung up without another word and within minutes, she rushed into my apartment and flung herself into my arms. We sat on the couch and cried. The pain of a thousand wounds was reopened.

I knew she must be thinking about Tara. About how beautiful their lives could have been if that shot had never been fired. About how much she missed her. She loved Tara more than life itself. She would have done anything for her. Will had been through Hell to regain Tara's trust and love. If only we could go back and change the past.

There were so many we had lost. Jenny Calendar. I remember Giles face when Buffy brought him back from Angel's factory. He looked as though he just couldn't go on. He loved her so much. But I didn't understand. And when Kendra, the second Slayer, died too, I still didn't understand.

And we went on. We faced horrible foes and won battles. And it never took a real toll on us. We fought Angelus, and the Mayor, and Adam, and the entire Initiative, but never did we understand.

Dawn showed up and that changed perspective a little. Suddenly we had to care for this little girl who didn't understand the world around her even more than we didn't understand what losing the battle would be like. She trusted us.

Buffy needed us and we gave her as much support as we could. But that year, Joyce died.

It would have been easier, I think, if Joyce had been bitten, or had been kidnapped by a demon or something like that. That way, Buffy could go out and kill the thing that had taken her mother from her. But Joyce died from a disease – a completely non-mystical aneurysm. There was nothing for Buffy to take her anger out on.

Willow's still sobbing on my shoulder on the couch and I reach for the phone again. There's one more call I have to make.

"Hello?"

I force my voice to be normal. "Hey Dawn. Is your sister around?"

Dawn doesn't have a clue. "Hold on. BUFFY!"

"Hello?" Buffy's voice rings hollowly in my ears.

Losing Buffy was the hardest of all. We knew that she had to do it and that there was nothing anyone could have done. But when we gathered around her body on the ground – when we buried her and engraved her name on a tombstone – the world lost its shine for me. I had Anya and I loved her with all my heart, but there was a place for Buffy in there too. I'd loved her since the first minute I saw her, lifetimes and lifetimes ago. And then she was gone. What was I supposed to do?

"Xander?" Buffy asks. She must have checked her caller ID. "Xander, say something."

"She's dead, Buff. Cordelia's dead."

She hangs up too. I know she'll be over in a matter of minutes. Willow's stopped crying and is just curled up in the corner of the couch. Slowly, she pulls something out of her pocket.

"I looked for this before I came over here," she says with tears falling. She hands me a folded piece of paper. I unfold it and I can't stop crying either.

It's nothing but a piece of white paper with words very neatly written in crayon. _OFFICIAL MEMBERSHIP CERTIFICATE_ – Willow was a great speller even at six years old – _of the WE HATE CORDELIA CLUB._ And below it said simply XANDER HARRIS – TREASURER.

"Is she really gone?" Willow asks in a wavering voice. I just nod, unable to speak. "How?" Willow asks.

Vaguely, I remember Anya when Joyce died, asking why. She had been a demon for over 1,000 years. She didn't understand death either.

I miss her so much. Her picture's next to my bed. I know she died fighting the good fight and all that, but why? I now know death and I know what it's like to lose someone who you love more than life itself. But I guess in some ways I'm just like that too. I don't understand why either. I don't understand why we have to lose the people we love.

And now Cordelia. Cordelia was the girl in high school who I never stopped loving. When I lost her after cheating with Willow, I felt like I couldn't go on. If only I'd have known what was to come.

I know I have a picture around here somewhere. I have to. But Buffy's here now and I'm crying again. "Where's Dawn?" I ask. Buffy just shakes her head. Dawn's fine. I shouldn't worry about her.

And I'm not. I can't think of anything except Cordelia. I can't understand why she's dead.

Why did Angel call me? Me of all people? Why not Buffy? Or Willow? Or even Dawn? Why me?

I think he knew. Part of him had to have known how much we cared for each other, even though he was evil and then in Hell for most of the time Cordy and I were together.

And now she's gone. Buff, Will, and I are on the couch, holding each other and crying. But crying won't bring her back.

Jenny. Kendra. Tara. Joyce. Anya. Cordelia. Nothing can bring them back. I finally understand.

But I'll never stop crying for them.


	2. I'll Be Waiting

**AUTHOR'S NOTE** This is the second and final chapter to "I Understand." I miss Cordelia terribly on Angel. My favorite season remains season one because I love Doyle and really liked the dynamic between him and Cordy. Plus I'm a B/A shipper and C/A just feels wrong. Anyway, hope you enjoy!

**DISCLAIMER** I don't own Buffy characters or Angel characters. They all belong to Joss Whedon but soon we won't even have Angel to watch! *wails* Stupid WB.

This sucks.

A lot of people would say that that was the old me, but damn, this sucks!

You know, for someone who lived my life, you'd think that I'd have given some thought to dying at some point in my life, but no. Cordy didn't get that far in her life planning. And dammit, being dead sucks!

Plus, I got gypped! I didn't get to go out in a blaze of hellfire like Buffy or sacrifice myself to save the helpless like Doyle or even get vamped like Harmony and so many other people in high school. I didn't even die a _normal_ death like Buffy's mom! I got some bizarre-o combination of both. I get possessed by some unspeakably evil creature, then fall into a coma and miss out on all the action and die.

At least the Powers granted me that one last day. It gave me closure, you know? Not that I was ever that big on closure, but hey. Good a time as any to start right before you DIE!

I'm still dealing.

But you know what the weirdest thing is? I'm still here. I'm watching my own funeral. That's weird. It's like I'm floating above them all.

It's a night funeral of course. Angel wouldn't have had it any other way. And Spike too apparently. Angel's crying. I haven't seen him cry since Connor.

Ouch. Thinking about Connor still hurts. I wish things could have been different between us. Between everything. But I don't regret it…well, except for the unstoppable demon that ended up killing me part.

Wesley and Gunn are standing with Fred. I think they're all crying too. Damn, looking at Wesley brings up a whole other set of memories. High school. The Ascension. The whole senior class banding together to fight the Mayor. Harmony died that night.

Oh yeah, Harmony's there too. Who knew we'd still be friends even after she died? But I, above all, should know that vampires are people too.

Lorne and Spike are standing apart from everyone else. Seeing Spike hurt but in a different way. Even though I'm dead, I can still feel the pain of that pipe stabbing me through the stomach. And it was all Spike's fault! And Willow's, of course. And Xander's.

Oh God. Xander. I feel ghostly tears on my ghostly cheeks. Xander's here and he's crying. And behind him comes Buffy. And Willow. And that freaky little sister of hers and even Faith.

The gang's all here. All here to give Cordy a big send-off into the beyond. God, Buffy's crying. I can't deal with seeing Buffy cry over me. I can't deal with this.

And I can't deal with the way Buffy and Angel don't look at each other. Angel knows about Spike and Buffy must know about me. I spent all of sophomore year of high school trying to take Angel away from her and now that I finally did in a way, I'd do anything to give him back. I wish things could be the way they were before. Before Angel and I fell for each other and before things got so confused and before Buffy died and before my life got turned upside down.

Giles is just standing there quietly. I can't tell what he's thinking, but I never could. But he's not the only other one in the cemetery.

You know what? Now that I think about it, this is all really morbid! People watching my dead body get buried under six feet of dirt? What genius came up with this idea?

There's someone else. I can see him, though no one else can. He's hiding himself so they won't talk to him. He hasn't talked to them in years.

From God knows where, even Oz came back for my funeral.

He and I went through a lot together I guess. Finding Willow and Xander kissing hurt him just as deeply as it hurt me, albeit not physically. And when he showed up in LA that one time with the Gem of Amara, it was like old times hanging out with him.

There goes my body. They're throwing dirt on it. Don't do that! My hair will get gross. My hair was never gross – not a single day in my life. I can't let them do it!

"There's nothing you can do."

I sniff and can't help but cry. I never knew ghosts could cry. Vaguely, I remember that time when a pair of ghosts took over Sunnydale High. It was when Angel was bad. Buffy and Angel were possessed and it's a miracle that they didn't kill each other that night. "I hate this," is all I can say.

"I know, Princess."

I turn to see the man I'd been waiting for. Ever since I died, I knew he'd be here to guide me after. "Hey Doyle."

He comes and puts an arm over my shoulders. "It will get easier."

I don't believe him. "Look. Even Oz is here."

"I know."

I turn to him. "I don't want to be dead," I say, my lip trembling and tears falling.

He kisses me on the forehead. "It's not so bad." He grins. "Besides, you've always got me for company!" He winks.

I laugh. I'd forgotten what his brogue sounded like. "In your dreams," I tease half-heartedly.

"This is the land of dreams, Princess."

"Great."

He beckons me to follow. I hesitate, looking back down on my friends.

First there was Xander. I really did love him. And then Wesley, who would have been fun had he not been quite so bad a kisser. And Angel. Dear Angel who never forgot about everyone else for a single second.

Buffy who always looked out for me, even when I was a primo bitch. Willow who I learned to respect. Oz who traveled halfway around the world to say good-bye. Giles. He always kept me in line with everyone else. Fred, Gunn, and Lorne who had been with Angel Investigations for a long time. Angel. Wesley. Xander.

My friends.

"Good-bye guys," I say. "Give 'em hell."

Doyle takes my hand. "You know it's time, Princess. Come on."

I smile at him, the half-demon in his bad clothes and cute Irish accent. I don't look back.

They'll be fine on their own. And when it's their time, I'll be waiting for them.


End file.
